The trouble with exes

Ivy --

I was thinking about you today. Have you ever had one of those completely bizarre moments when suddenly your life doesn't feel like your own anymore? That was me today. You see, after not speaking with the first girl I fell in love with for four years suddenly we have reconnected.

I should note, Ivy, this may be a side of me you haven't seen before. In fact, it's a side that most people haven't. I suppose that is the great and magical thing about the internet though. It provides such a great shield of anonymity that I have found nowhere else.

It's surprising how many people judge others based on their skin colour, race, sexual orientation, heck, even choice of sports teams or states of residence. There is something so comforting about the fact that the internet sees past that because it doesn't know you. You are just you -- male or female; white or black; straight or gay. It doesn't matter and nobody really cares.

I digress.

The moment I saw her picture again, floods of old feelings bubbled up inside me. Now, I'm sure there's some sort of technical word for it, but I'm just going to call it rehash romance. Maybe it will catch on.

Now this rehash romance in my mind was so sudden and so unmistakeable that it took me aback. I hadn't even talked to this woman in four years. In fact, she held such an utter hatred towards me that I never expected to be on speaking terms with her again. (I think that is a story for another time. Or perhaps if you want to hear it I will indulge.)

Suffice it to say no one is perfect, Ivy. I have never claimed to be. It would be presumptuous to assume anyone else is. So I thought to myself, "Mars, why don't you let bygones by bygones?" And so we are on speaking terms.

The flutter in my (some would say) slightly charred heart was alarming. Could it be that I still had feelings for her after so long? After everything that had happened? I found myself thinking about the past; thinking about how things were at one point.

Then the voice of reason spoke. I think it was British and very concerned.

"Mars. You have been through this and you do it every time. You don't love her. You're just in love with the idea of the way things were. A long time ago. A bloody long time ago." (Did I mention it was British?)

Ahh, yes. Rehash romance. But it got me thinking about other girlfriends I've had in the past and how I didn't really come out the knight in shining armor in all those instances. I guess that's a story for another time, too, Ivy. But if you think you would get anything out of it, I'd gladly oblige.

For now, I'm going to smoke my last cigarette and enjoy the rest of this night. I'm thinking about you, Ivy, and hoping you are safe wherever you are.